Things have been looking up. Last time I wrote for The Basketcase, you may recall that I had been perched under Melinda's couch, watching the big Millenium celebration, in between several hours of hyperporn from the Eighth Dimension.
Fortunately, our hosts finally saved up enough for a web-worthy home computer around March of this year. Now you may recall, if you've been following trends in technology and porn over the last two hundred years or so, that any kind of revolution in communication, especially any kind with visuals, means a revolution in porn.
Remember those early daguerrotypes and lousy box-cameras that required chicks in whale-bone corsets to pose motionless with their legs spread for two or three minutes at a time, in order for the image to come out crisp? The demand for nudes increased, and eventually they developed better film, better cameras. And somebody figured out how photographs could be used for things other than porn. You could take pictures of your family, your town, group shots of your local government, your local militia, and the piles of bodies your local militia amounted to in their fight to defend the ideals of your local government.
Blah blah blah. Same thing with motion pictures. The prudes cracked down a little harder, but we still had our secret reels of home-movies, dancing ladies, the Tijuana Donkey Show. In the Seventies, the revolution was video tape, which was really just an improved medium to show motion pictures. Cheap enough to make movies in your backyard, and you don't have to go to a theater or a peepshow to watch them. So everybody's whacking off in the privacy of their own home, and porn becomes semi-normal.
Web is another minor revolution for communications and porn. Now you can get more of what you want, maybe cheaper than ever before, and it's all instant. For a couple grand, you can be in Antarctica with a laptop and a cellphone, spanking to your favorite photos or video clips shot that same day, or even with a live cyber-hooker on the other end, responding to your commands. At this very moment, there could be a scientist in Antarctica reading this article, and multi-tasking in another window, spanking to live video clips from a cyber-hooker.
Beautiful, glorious progress!
But you don't really need this shit wireless or instantaneous. You just need to get back the thousand bucks you invested in that computer by getting as much FREE PORN as possible.
It's out there, but it's not always easy to find. Mostly you'll find free previews from sites that want you to pay. I'd say your best bets to find honestly free porn would be on amateurerotica.about.com or on www.postyourselfnaked.com. Wonderfully democratic sites. Try to avoid rotten.com and sickmotherfucker.com. You'll be tempted to peek, but really, just don't bother.
What interests me--well, no, I mean besides that--what really interests me is the subtexts of web porn. For example, in some cases you can skip the search engine and type in an URL that you suspect might exist. Have you tried every swear word you can think of, ending with "dot-com"? Of course, we all have. But to test the limits of porn stupidity, try "women.com." Wouldn't it be sad if porn-makers had snapped up that URL? Thankfully, you'll find a boring, non-porn site. Some kind of Oprah-loving, iVillage wanna-be site, a "community" for all women to get together, share stories, help one another, and incidentally get pounded by ads taylored for women.
Now try www.girls.com. ...Oops. There you go. Isn't it interesting that "girls.com" is porn, but "women.com" is not? If you've been looking through much web porn, it won't be a big surprise. They love to use the word "teens," because you can take pictures of a legal woman aged eighteen, and imply that she could be sixteen, thirteen, anywhere in there. Of course, they usually have tiny disclaimers such as "...YoungnTender.com condemns all forms child exploitation, including child pornography. You too can fight child porn and the global exploitation of children by donating time and money to international children's organization." Higher on the page is a skinny girl, allegedly eighteen, cuddling a big teddy bear. Her caption says, "I'm tired of sleeping with Teddy, signup and be my daddy." [All quotes are (sic). You decide whether to add the "k."]
There's certain porn lingo that makes for scary, possibly misleading URLs. I pity the cosmetology student who tries to find info at www.amateur-facials.com. But maybe I'm being too old fashioned. Maybe everybody knows porn lingo these days, enough to avoid things like DP thumbnail galleries. (Sadly, it does not stand for Doctor Pepper.)
Color commentary on a few interesting samples... Lamp store? At first I was boggled when I noticed three lamps and a couple of couches in the background of this picture. Flashing in a furniture store? Why would you choose to take a picture in front of a row of lamps? Then I realized that the lamps were all the same, the couches all the same, the pillows all the same, because they were reflections in mirrors. You know how these porn-people are with mirrors on the ceiling. Must have gotten carried away and slapped them in a corner of the living room too. And speaking of decor...
Kitchenette porn. I remember from High School journalism class, the teacher advised that you should never take photos of people by lining them up in front of a wall. Makes it look like they're ready for a firing squad. I suppose even free porn previews need some vaguely interesting backgrounds, though it shouldn't draw attention away from the human subject in the foreground this much. Why would you situate an up-and-cumming star for "busty-amateurs.com" in front of the microwave, toaster, sink, dishwasher, and that cheesy glass dining table? I could only cringe for a second before recognition struck. "That's my first apartment! She's making porn in my first apartment! Gosh, I remember some great days me and the other three Taco Bell crew had in that place..." Well, maybe it's not actually my first apartment, but it's somebody's first apartment.
Megan. This is so wrong. It's not porn yet. This is supposed to be a sneak preview for a site that you can only see for $7.95 per month. She's not even lifting her sweater to show her bra in the middle of a furniture store or anything. She's not really smiling, nor showing the exquisite anguish of some porn photos (especially reactions to anal intrusion). She's covered from wrist to neck to knees, nothing exposed but face and neck and fingers. Hands nervously clasped together. But you can't escape the potential in this shot. There's no need to see bras or smiles or ass when you see this pale face in the preview section of a site called "Amateur-Facials.com." You just look into her whimsical Mona Lisa expression and you can almost see it coming. ...Like she did a few minutes after this photo was taken.
Sorry this piece is so messy, but so is the subject matter. I leave you with the only bit of minimalist poetry I found on any of the several porn sites I studied for this piece. (Just research, see?) On every preview page of Busty-Amateurs.com they display their motto, distinct because it avoids the obvious contraction "it's," choosing instead this crisp phrasing, as if the motto were read by Commander Data: "IT IS ALWAYS NICE
TO LOOK AT PUSSY."
...Note that this "article" was rejected by The Basketcase. Her main complaint was that I was furthering the exploitation of these sex workers by posting pictures of them. But they're fully dressed, I objected! Almost fully dressed! No matter. Years from now, they would be disgusted with what they had done, and they might be surfing the web innocently, only to find my sarcastic commentary on their photos. It would be rude! So I finally offered to block their eyes so they couldn't be recognized. Actually, nothing I could do short of deleting the whole thing would make this piece acceptable. Oh well. C'est la vie de porn.
If you're not already long gone from this page, typing your credit card number in the sign-up page to see Megan's sloppy facial, you might as well sigh heavily and go back to Awkwardly.
Bosun Chubris,
Lamp store? At first I was boggled when I noticed three lamps and a couple of couches in the background of this picture. Flashing in a furniture store? Why would you choose to take a picture in front of a row of lamps? Then I realized that the lamps were all the same, the couches all the same, the pillows all the same, because they were reflections in mirrors. You know how these porn-people are with mirrors on the ceiling. Must have gotten carried away and slapped them in a corner of the living room too. And speaking of decor...
Kitchenette porn. I remember from High School journalism class, the teacher advised that you should never take photos of people by lining them up in front of a wall. Makes it look like they're ready for a firing squad. I suppose even free porn previews need some vaguely interesting backgrounds, though it shouldn't draw attention away from the human subject in the foreground this much. Why would you situate an up-and-cumming star for "busty-amateurs.com" in front of the microwave, toaster, sink, dishwasher, and that cheesy glass dining table? I could only cringe for a second before recognition struck. "That's my first apartment! She's making porn in my first apartment! Gosh, I remember some great days me and the other three Taco Bell crew had in that place..." Well, maybe it's not actually my first apartment, but it's somebody's first apartment.
Megan. This is so wrong. It's not porn yet. This is supposed to be a sneak preview for a site that you can only see for $7.95 per month. She's not even lifting her sweater to show her bra in the middle of a furniture store or anything. She's not really smiling, nor showing the exquisite anguish of some porn photos (especially reactions to anal intrusion). She's covered from wrist to neck to knees, nothing exposed but face and neck and fingers. Hands nervously clasped together. But you can't escape the potential in this shot. There's no need to see bras or smiles or ass when you see this pale face in the preview section of a site called "Amateur-Facials.com." You just look into her whimsical Mona Lisa expression and you can almost see it coming. ...Like she did a few minutes after this photo was taken.